aalyosha: (Default)
I feel like I have to force myself to be bitchy about this, to try to have a callous attitude. But truthfully, I just miss my friend.

I just miss her and she hates me and there's nothing I can do.
aalyosha: (Default)
I need to post this here because I am shaking and crying and I just want my mommy or something.

making people feel like they';re responsible for suicidal actions and thoughts is NOT fucking okay.

I feel terrible and awful and how can someone hate me that much and really think I'm such a terrible awful person. I would never wish that on anyone and I feel like a fucking idiot for feeling so bad for them.

and the worst part is that i still do.
aalyosha: (pic#5512220)
Well, I am sick. Which probably contributed to my bad mood yesterday. I don't know, it sucks how this stuff all falls on you at once. But I've spewed my emotional stuff, so I won't whine about it now.

I've been looking into ways to get more ballet in during the week, and I think I'll do open classes at Portland Ballet on Sundays. They have a good student rate. I'll have to give up eating out at all during the week to afford it, but I'll never be able to start pointe if I only go once a week. I know I can't be a pro or anything, but I do love to dance and getting pointe shoes would make me so happy. I just have to build those muscles up! I was going to start this Sunday, but...I guess I'll see how I feel.
aalyosha: (Default)
(this is really long and kind of just an emotion dump. it probably doesn't even make sense, so please don't feel like you need to read it. Typing it out just made me feel a lot better.)

I'm not even sure what to say on this whole matter, really. I've been able to keep myself busy with ballet and school all day and just mindless chatter. I've been too busy for it to really sink in, and I don't even know where to begin. But now it's nine at night, when I should be going to bed and I'm sobbing my eyes out.

I just hate this. I hate being thought of as creepy and a stalker from someone I thought liked me. This is why I hate getting close to people, I always think they're going to realize how dumb I am or how much of a weirdo I am and it's like all my fears have happened. I just tried so hard, I only wanted to be friends, I can't just dump people and forget people that easily and I forget that other people can. I try to give them space, but I'm clingy and I'm needy and I'm just so sorry that comes off as so creepy and that my very presence can piss someone off so much, but I have needs and desires too and even with all that's happened I just kept believing her when she said she didn't hate me and she cared about me.

And I guess now I can't anymore and it really hurts. To know someone can lie about me so harshly, think I was some toxic thing. I keep trying to play in my head what I did wrong and I just can't... I know I must have had some fault in it, but this whole split happened before I was angry and made any annoyed posts. I don't understand what happened to begin with. I tried to be there for her when she was upset, even when I knew she was overreacting, I just wanted to be there to comfort her. Because overreacting or not she was still hurting.

But then she started overreacting to everything I said. She started to be mean before this, and I wasn't sure why. I kept getting these messages with her telling me that our friend liked me and I was lying if I said I didn't know what she was talking about. And honestly I didn't. But then I thought about it more, and I started to develop a small crush of my own and realized that maybe this other friend did like me and maybe I liked the thought of it. Simply not realizing that it was just paranoid ramblings, that made my own feelings confused as all fuck. And God, how do you not feel guilty when you get a crush on someone that this person says their in love with?

But I was getting slightly sick of it, I guess. Being treated like I was some third wheel or evil bitch that was stealing her love away, when I was friends with her first, I was there first, not her. And maybe I get defensive when she says their best friends, but I'm so scared that it's true and that another friend of mine is just going to abandon me for someone else.

And her abandoning me like that, with such hatefulness, did not help with that fear.
aalyosha: (pic#5512225)
School is going so well, I feel so genuinely happy lately. Though I really wish I could take German, everyone I get along with is taking it and they're all friendly with me, but they have their own group too and I just want to be a part of it. I want to be translating Faust and reading Kafka in the original too. Sometimes I wonder if I should have majored in languages, there are too many things I love, it's hard focusing on just one. Though altogether, history is my largest love. I wonder if being a translator might not have been more useful.

I hate this line of thought of trying to pick the most useful thing though. I want to do something I enjoy. If I wind up never advancing beyond what I have now, then let that be. I'm happy as I am. Getting more just leads to wanting more. I'm well fed and happy. That's all that you really need in life. I want to be a professor in a ratty old coat and antiquated briefcase, in an office full of books. Researching things I love...

Knowledge is happiness.
aalyosha: (pic#5512226)
Today was a bit useless. Noisy neighbors and slight insomnia make for little sleep, so the movie I was going to go see with my aunt was canceled. I'm back in Carver for the weekend and I'd really prefer not to be, but she gets lonely, so I feel obligated.

I got a few things at the mall. A new jacket, shoes, and pajamas. I love the jacket, it's red with toggles, and I'll probably take a picture of it soon.

School work...is not happening today. I have a lot to read, and I'm trying now, but I'm still so sleepy and what can be done. Attempting to read with puppy shows on TV is likely not the wisest move.

If I could simply hug and make my darling feel better, I would welcome all this work.
aalyosha: (Default)
So, I have this journal thing now. I've had journals in the past, but hopefully I'll keep up with this one. If the two people reading this care, they can poke me if I don't update.

The first week of classes has gone really well, probably my best so far. I'm getting more confident in my research abilities, and I adore the ability to really choose my topics. I'm hoping to further my research into German national identity this term and use it as my main topic for my thesis. I'm also very happy that I've been able to narrow down what my thesis might be about. I'll be focusing primarily on the 19th and 20th centuries, naturally. Hopefully I can stick the other topics that I love in there too, like theological studies and music. Music will be the easiest, of course. I mean, it is Germany.

Also, social anxiety issues have been so much better. I feel more confident lately, though I still don't speak up in class, I don't cry when I go to order food either.

I need to focus more, and plan out a homework schedule. Also, work on my German more. Lack of it is definitely keeping me back.